If you would like to read the first part of this series on Passive-Aggressive People click here.
Have you ever been around someone who routinely makes you feel frustrated? On the defensive? Angry? Do you know people who always have stormy relationships and go from one argument to the next? Passive-Aggressive people are some of the most miserable people you will encounter.
The Passive-Aggressive (P/A) person lives to provoke you. He goads; you respond.
P/As are contrary, demeaning, and insulting. Unless you agree with them, everything is an argument.
P/As are oppositional by nature. Even though they seem to want to seek out your help, to them you are an authority figure against whom they must rebel.
Everything negative a P/A says about others may be said about you. As soon as you question anything about P/As or what they are saying, you become the opposition.
The P/A sees herself as a victim in an uncaring world. You are unfair and hurtful if you think otherwise.
The P/As will attack your professionalism in some way either to bring out your guilt or anger so you will act in a punitive or harsh way towards them. Then they can confirm how cruel people are to them.
The P/As goal in life is to provoke you in order to control you, and then to deny doing it.
P/As undermine and take no responsibility. If there is blame, it is yours.
P/As obstruct any positive team effort. They demoralize rather than help.
P/As trap you into thinking your behavior is wrong, and then exploit your perception.
P/As want you to believe that you are controlling, dominating, and intrusive – not them. P/As rule with guilt.
P/As don’t change and you will always be frustrated if you think you can deal with the P/As in a fair and reasonable manner. You cannot. All you can do is learn how to stay out of their trap.
*Stay tuned for tips on what to do if you have to interact with Passive/Aggressive people…
(This material taken from Say Goodbye to Your PDI - personality ordered individual by Stan Kapuchinski, M. D.)
Scenario 1 - Your mom calls and invites you to a party, which requires you to change work schedules and make a 5-hour drive. She lets you know that it’s no big deal if you come, but she also implies that if you don’t make it, she is going to be very disappointed. This feeling of mixed messages is how you know you’re dealing with someone who cannot be direct.
Often the inability to talk about the feelings and emotions honestly causes them to be Passive-Agression (P/A). P/A is a way for someone to handle his or her anger or hostility in a way that is difficult for others to prove. The P/A doesn’t allow herself to be direct with feelings and emotions; in fact she denies them. All this has the effect of making the people with whom they interact feel crazy.
Typically, the P/A person is very angry inside but will smile and act cool, never allowing her real feelings to be known. If you confront her or try to make her see, she will deny. She comes out looking good and you’re left feeling crazy.
Also, the P/A also has a deep fear of intimacy – she can’t be honest with people – so she has to manipulate them.
A quick tip: Next time this happens, be very direct back, “Mother, do you need me to be there?”
Sometimes the passive-aggressive person is aware of what he or she is doing, and other times not. No matter what, the P/A will deny anything is her fault. P/A’s covertly resist, sabotage, or refuse to comply with a request or expectation, often under the guise of cooperation. Again, this leaves people around them feeling manipulated.
Scenario 2 – Cindy called her best friend Gina three days after her surgery. “Didn’t you hear what happened? I had to have surgery and no one came to visit me…I had to call a cab to drive me home.” Gina would have gladly gone to visit Cindy but there was no way for her to know. In this scenario, Cindy wanted Gina to just know her need. Often in these situations, Cindy will tell another person whom she wants to tell another, and eventually hoping it gets back to Gina who will come running to help. A quick tip for Gina: Next time, say, “Oh, I’m disappointed. If you had told me you were having surgery I would have stopped by.” Then Gina needs to drop it and not get caught in the P/A’s game.
Scenario 3 – Bob offers to pick his wife Ginger up at her weight-loss meeting. But each week he leaves her waiting in the library 30 minutes past the time he knows he should be there. Bob doesn’t want his wife to lose weight for fear she will leave him, but he can’t be direct and share his fears, so instead he makes if difficult for her to attend. He makes her “pay.” One tip for Ginger to know she is dealing with P/A is to consider if Bob is typically on time to other meetings.
Scenario 4 – Sixteen-year old Jackson wants to paint his room. His dad tells says, “Not now, let’s wait ‘til summer.” Jackson loads too many books on the shelf, which causes it to come crashing down. A giant scar covers the wall. “Guess we’ll just have to paint now,” Jackson smiles.
Scenario 5 - Clyde wants to spend more time with Abbey, but he’s too afraid to ask her to meet him for dinner. He waits until Abbey mentions at the Bible study that she is going to Sonic after class. Clyde makes a point to coincidentally be there when she is. P/A people get good at “arranging” or “just happening to be somewhere” rather than letting their wishes be known.
Stay tuned, we’ll be talking a lot more about Passive-Aggressive people, and how to handle them.
What are some passive-aggressive behaviors you have seen in others?
On August 28 – 29, 2009 Beth Moore is bringing Living Proof Live to her hometown of Green Bay, Wisconsin. Thanks to simulcast satellite technology, she’ll spend the weekend here in our hometown too. The same soul-stirring worship, the same life-changing teaching – right here in Littleton, in real time.
West Bowles Community Church
12325 W. Bowles Ave.
Littleton, CO 80127
(303) 972-4904
$15 includes both days
Friday, August 28th 8 p.m. (doors open at 7 p.m.)
Saturday, August 29th 9:30 a.m. (doors open at 8:30 a.m.)
The world is grieving as Hollywood has lost three great names in the last day: Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and now news is breaking that Michael Jackson has died of a heart attack.TMZ first broke the news this afternoon. So far, not much about Michael Jackson’s health is known, even though there have been persistent rumors about him for years.
I don’t know how you’re feeling, but I’m feeling shock and sadness: People are comparing this to the death of Elvis Presley. Sometimes the death of celebrities taps into memories of other loved ones we have lost, and also our own sense of mortality. Plus, each person is unique — we know another one like that will never come along.
Yes, Michael was odd, but he was an amazing talent and he did some incredible things for people. I still remember going to one of his concerts when I was six months pregnant with my daughter (she is now almost 21!). The music was too loud, but the show was spellbinding.
So here are some tips in case you’re feeling sad and shocked like me:
Talk about it. Talk about your memories, good and bad.
Cry if you need to. Don’t try to deny feelings just because you didn’t really know the person.
Put on an album, maybe even his, and dance. Exercise releases endorphins (the body’s natural painkillers).
Take a break from television. Some people feel better getting more information, but be careful not to become “flooded” with too much.
Remember to eat, sleep and be around people. These are good for your soul.
Why do you think we feel sad when a celebrity we don’t know dies?
How do you take care of yourself when you are grieving?
Recently I received an email from an anonymous person asking what counseling would be like. She had several questions:
What if the counselor yells at me?
What if she can’t hear me when I speak?
What if at this age (mid 20’s) she finds it ridiculous that I am in this situation?
What if i get to the office and don’t like her?
Is this normal for someone seeking therapy, or does this mean I have something worse wrong with me?
During the first session, I know the therapist will ask a lot about me — is it okay to skip some things? For instance, there are questions I will answer eventually (regarding past abuse) but not right now.
I also wonder is it alright to ask questions about the counselor during the first session?
Here is how I answered:
*Counselors are people too. You’re going to get all types. Some good, so bad. Some that are a good fit for you, and some that aren’t. Research shows that the most important factor is how well you connect and learn to trust your counselor, not the style of therapy he or she practices.
*You should be able to ask your counselor anything you want. Counselors vary in the amount of information they reveal about themselves. Some are blank slates and will follow your question with a question in order to analyze you. That would not the kind of counselor I would enjoy seeing. I prefer counselors who offer a degree of authenticity and honesty, while keeping good boundaries about what they do not want to share.
*Counselors are used to hearing all sorts of things. What you think would shock them probably won’t. It’s normal to think we have odd behaviors and thoughts, and that others don’t, but really there’s no such thing as a “normal” person.
*I always tell my clients, “If you’re wondering what you should say in therapy, just say it.”
*If you’re uncomfortable with a question your therapist asks, tell her you’re not ready to talk about that yet. Some therapists may get in a rush and try to push things along too quickly, but you get to help direct the pace and direction of your session.
*The more honest the therapeutic relationship, the more work you can get done. It is not like a friendship, where you carefully protect the friendship at expense of honesty. In a therapeutic relationship, you can say things like, “I’m having feelings of attraction towards you, what’s that about?” or “I feel a lot of shame after I tell you that - I’m wondering what you think about me? “ or “Why do you keep looking at the clock? That bugs me.” It doesn’t mean the client is always right (or wrong), it’s just that you can be open like that.
*Even though it may be scary, it’s good when your therapist gives you feedback. For instance, he or she may ask, “Would you like to know how your behavior impacts others?” Hopefully, they will do so in a gentle manner, and only after you have built a rapport.
*Counselors are required to keep confidentiality unless you are a threat to yourself or others, or unless you tell them about someone who is continuing to harm someone else. Also, if you file a lawsuit against your therapist, your files might not remain confidential. That’s one of the best things about counseling…you can say anything you want; legally and ethically it cannot leave the counselor’s office.
*Healthy therapists will not yell at you. If they do, you need to find someone who has more respect for you. Most good counselors receive ongoing supervision themselves to make sure they are doing helpful things only, with their clients.
*It would be great if you could write down your fears, and talk about them with your therapist. This would give him or her a lot of information about you, and would be a great place to figure out why you have the fears in the first place.
*Lastly, sexual intimacy between counselor and client is never appropriate! Any therapist who crosses this boundary is in very poor mental shape and is likely to cause great emotional harm to you. The state of Colorado requires even non-licensed therapists to be registered with theDepartment of Regulatory Agencies (DORA). A grievance report should be filed against any counselor who is crossing sexual boundaries. However, it is acceptable to discuss sexual things if you are comfortable with that.
Counseling can be one of the most helpful and powerful experiences you ever have — I do hope you’ll take the risk. If I were you, I would ask others for their recommendations. If after meeting the person you don’t feel comfortable, find someone else. You’re in charge — you get to pick when it begins and ends.
Here is a great article put out by the American Psychological Association (APA) that answers all your questions about psychotherapy and counseling: Click Here
What sorts of things do you like a counselor to do or not do?
What are the last three things you said to your children?
Quick, think about it. Now pay attention to the next three statements you make to them.
Are your words uplifting? Life-giving? Comforting? Statements like,
Hey Jaime, you rock!
Joey, do you know how much I love you?
I can’t imagine life without you Stacey. Our family just wouldn’t be a family without you.
Or are they statements like,
Hurry up…you’re so slow
What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you be more like your brother?
Oooh, you make me so mad!
Even neutral statements can be harsh,
Because I said so!
No!” (no explanation is offered)
Not like this…do it this way.
Summer is here and many parents have more time with their children. Opportunities to give children life through words are all around us, and it is true that children develop into the people their parent’s think they are. Mom and Dad, if your child is struggling with low self-esteem, shame, or depression, you may be part of the equation: Children believe the things that others say about them.
Today, I challenge you to notice the things you’re saying; as you interact you’re your children. Now consider, if someone was saying those things to you, would it cause you to be a healthier, happier person or would it discourage you?
I’d love to hear some of the idiosyncratic, good things you say to children!
P. S. Here’s a video clip my husband suggested I put with this post:
Let’s say you bump into your close friend or co-worker tomorrow and she wants to tell you something emotional. Let’s say, she is overwhelmed with sadness because her dog died.
I thought it would be good to suggest some helpful tips for being the friend who listens and the friend who is sharing the problem.
Friend with the problem:
1. Ask if the other person has a few minutes. It’s rude to just dump…you don’t know if listener has a report due in 15 minutes or what she might be dealing with. Say something like,
Hey Cindy, I’m really upset. Do you have a few moments to listen?
2. Don’t expect the listener to fix your problems. Let them know ahead of time that you just need to talk. Most of the time, that’s all most of us want people to do when we are hurting. A listening ear can help the hurting one express emotion and sort things just by hearing them said aloud.
3. If you do want advice, say so. Say something like,
I don’t expect you to solve this, but if you see something I’m not seeing would you tell me.
4. If the listener replies with something you didn’t want to hear, let them know how it made you feel (”Ouch, that hurts, but I’ll give it some thought.”), but do consider that you may have blind spots. Try not to be defensive until you’ve had a few days to think about it.
Friend who is the listener:
1. Be assertive. If you don’t have time or do not feel capable of taking this on, say so:
Hey Geraldine, I know you’re hurting but I don’t feel equipped to be a good sounding board for this situation.
2. Even if you’ve been through a similar situation, it never does any good to top the teller’s story with one of your own. I mean, really, think about it. Has it ever helped you when someone said,
Oh, you think that’s bad, wait ‘til you hear about how my dog died…
3. There is almost never anything you can say that would be a great response, and fortunately for most situations you don’t need one. Instead, you might say something like this:
Oh Geraldine, I’m so sorry. Honestly, I’m at a loss because I’ve never experienced that, but I want you to know I really do care.
And please, please, please never say something like,
Well God must have wanted your dog more than you…that’s why he took her home
or
All things work together for good for those who love the Lord.
That is spiritual abuse! Even though you may have a biblical truth to offer, the time for the person to hear that is not now. All you will do is make them hurt worse — those will be the things that ring in their heads years later.
4. If you do have time, energy, and gumption to hear the person’s situation, do not make it your own problem. Don’t take it home and lie awake at night worrying. Do what you can and then trust God and others to step in as they are able. Sometimes the person is hurting because of a bad decision they made, and your fixing it, prevents them from learning. Other times, God is doing a work, developing character through the trial. There are lots of ways to support people without taking on all their troubles. For instance, you might make a meal or offer to babysit for a few hours.
What other suggestions do you have? I’d love to hear.
A popular counseling technique is called the “reframe.” Reframing is a therapeutic technique that assists individuals in broadening restricted perspectives.
Reframing is taking heart issues and seeing them from a positive perspective; however it is not just positive thinking.
Reframing uses our hurts rather than ignoring them or minimizing them. Reframing expands our understanding of the truth.
Reframing helps us see things with the whole truth rather than our limited understanding. For example, while I used to wonder about the pain of my past, I now look back and see how God has used it to give me insight into the clients I counsel.
If you’ve ever seen Sheila Walsh speak at the Women of Faithconferences, you know that when her father got ill, he lashed out at her. Even though Sheila could forgive her father on a rational level, she could not get over the emotional pain his behavior had caused her.
She was telling someone that her father had picked her over all the children to vent his anger. The friend said, “Sheila do you think maybe he lashed out at the one person he knew would never stop loving him?” See, the friend didn’t try to minimize Sheila’s pain or what her father did to her. He tried to give her a broader perspective that helped her get unstuck.
Again, reframing doesn’t ignore current losses. It doesn’t negate your truth or minimize what was done to you. Reframing uses events to make a situation better. Reframing helps us develop a life that has purpose and meaning; it turns our misery into a ministry. And reframing is a process — it doesn’t happen instantly.
Reframing actively, creatively, and productively helps us decide what we’re going to do. It uses what’s in our past or present. If someone hurts us, reframing helps us decide we’re not going to be a victims any longer.
Recently, I was reading Invading the Privacy of God by Cecil Murphey (author of the huge bestseller Ninety Minutes in Heaven).
He was raised in a large family where his father clearly favored his oldest brother. Cec concluded he was the biblical Esau (the one God hated) and that his brother was Jacob, the favored brother. He knew on a theological level he could trust God, but on an emotional level he spent his life trying to be good enough for God, fearing there wouldn’t be any blessing left over.
One day, while alone in the woods, Cec screamed, “I’ve tried so hard to be good. I’ve tried to be the Christian you wanted me to be and look at the way you treat me!” It still took him years to realize that he was trying to earn God’s love, however it was the beginning of a more important truth: One morning he heard himself say, “Wait a minute, I’m not Esau, I’m Jacob.” He realized his Heavenly father was very different from his earthly one, and that he didn’t have to do one thing to earn God’s love.
What belief have you framed your life with? Could it be there is a broader truth? If the pain is so great that you can’t see this perspective, perhaps you may need another person to help you process the situation. Commit to talking with a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor today.
*Some of this material was taken from the audio CD “Reframing Your Life” by Stephen Arterburn and Dave Stoop. For more, read Reframe Your Life by Stephen Arterburn. Click here to order
I was 18 and my mom’s lifeless body was still in the bedroom with the door shut. My dad had sent my younger brothers and sister to school on the bus, because the way our family learned to cope was to carry on; business as usual. Act your way “fine” through the pain.
I was a senior in high school – seniors were allowed to end the year a few days before the rest of the kids in our community. In three days I would be attending my graduation ceremony. My twin was spending the night at a friend’s house, so I felt numb and alone in our house.
My dad’s mom had come from Chicago, and my dad’s sister had flown in from Michigan to “attend the girls’ graduation” – now I understand they hadn’t flown in for me and my twin sister’s graduation, but to be there for my father.
Apparently, everyone knew my mom was dying. Even though my mother’s body was emaciated, I had been able to keep a belief that she would not die. I was enveloped in a fog, pain and shock induced. Even though my mother had been ill for years, and her body had slowly succumbed to the muscle eating disease that was similar to Lou Gehrig’s, she had always told me the disease wouldn’t kill her. I guess they chose to shelter us from that knowledge as long as they could.
The phone had begun ringing. As I looked around I realized I didn’t know how to cope with this pain, so I threw on my sweats and tennis shoes. I grabbed my headphones, pressed play, and cranked the volume. Pat Benatar screamed, “Hell is for children….” The tears streamed out my eyes, and I allowed shards to release from my throat. Alone at last, I was free to express some of my loss.
I was jogging on a dirt road, twelve miles from the small town where I grew up. The rain was drizzling, but I was glad - my tears had a place to hide. Every five or ten minutes a car would pass, slow down, and then keep going. Already, community leaders and friends of my family were coming out to pay their condolences to my dad.
About 20 minutes into my run, the white sports car, commandeered by my dad’s receptionist Marge, came slowly driving by. She had bought the TransAm from her grandson when he couldn’t afford the payments. Marge was a mother to four children, and grandmother to half a dozen others. They were a close-knit family, and Marge was always doing something with or for them.
Somehow it never seemed right to me that this gentle, blue-collar wife would be driving a shiny white showpiece like this. It probably wasn’t the car Marge wanted to drive — even though every teen in town was coveting that car — but it was a way for her grandson to keep his car until he could make the payments.
Marge stopped her car, pressed the electronic window on the passenger side, and leaned across, asking if I was okay. I told her I was fine. She didn’t believe me. That’s when she performed the act of love that has stayed fresh in my memory for over 25 years.
She reached across, pulling the handle on the long heavy door on the passenger side of the car, beckoned me to lean in; she wrapped her loving arms around me, and pulled my sopping wet, muddy body right into her car mucking up her light grey upholstery. She held me long and our bodies shuddered together. She asked me over and over if I would get in and let her drive me home. I told her no. Finally, she let me go, to continue my run.
I am positive there were many supportive people who volunteered to help and care for our family during and after my mother’s death. Surely the cards came by the hundreds. Lots of people attended the memorial and funeral services, casseroles came for weeks, neighbors offered to care for my younger siblings. It’s funny though, that the only thing that stands out in my mind was how Marge showed me love that morning. I had resisted at first, afraid to accept touch, afraid to cry, afraid to show how bad I was hurting. But Marge knew better. She understood that my smiling veneer and my coping techniques of denial weren’t healthy.
I am a counselor now. I teach people how to express their emotions, how to sort through and come up with healthy ways to function. I am thankful for a woman who taught me a bit about love. She taught me to give without wanting applause. She taught me that small acts, almost whispered in the moment, have the capacity to shout through the decades.
Often children, especially teenagers will shrug off their feelings of grief. They may put their own feelings aside in an attempt to help the living parent. But, grief waits. If not dealt with, it will find other ways to come out that may not be healthy. For more about what to do when a parent dies, read this.
Here in Denver there is an organization called Judi’s House,which was founded by pro-football player Brian Griese. Judi’s House has lots of opportunities for children of all ages, including those who’ve lost a parent as they head off to college. For more information about groups, donations and volunteering opportunites go here
But then again I’m an optimist. When I studied Adolescent Psychology, many of my classmates focused on issues such as cutting, suicide, and substance abuse.
I chose to focus on what’s good about this younger generation, and the things they do. What I concluded is that the kids today are better educated and have been given more in the way of goods than any generation in history. And in case you haven’t noticed, they are completely connected via Twitter, Facebook, and other e-sites.
Unlike the kids of the 80’s whose parents might have been self-consumed, this generation of parents have been nicknamed, “Helicopter Parents” because of their tendency to hover over their children. Some people might claim the kids are spoiled.
Yet, one of my favorite things about this young generation is that in their connection, they are much less competitive than previous generations. Rather than working against each other, they have learned a vital task: To work with each other. As a theme song for them, I would more likely choose, “We are the World” than “I am a Rock.”
Only the future will tell what a generation who has been given more in the way of material possessions, education, and connection will do.
Doomsayers, I say, “Be excited!”
In their online connections, they may be willing to address topics that might not be discussed in person. Here are a few quotes from this website:
“Online conversations enabled by blogging tools can even be a more effective starting point than face-to-face speaking. Although everyone I spoke with agreed that it was no substitute for meeting in person, people were sometimes more open to speaking honestly about sensitive topics like their spiritual beliefs when they felt protected behind a screen (a situation that could be both less intimidating for the evangelist and less threatening for the evangelee).
“I’ve found that people are more willing to engage and communicate online than looking you straight in the eye,” said Anthony Coppedge, author of The Reason Your Church Must Twitter. “It takes a barrier out. It’s sometimes hard to look someone in the eye and say something but they can still type it. In that way, you can build very real and very strong relationships online.”
Tonight I’m grateful for social media and for the Millennial Generation. Tonight, I put a prayer request on my Facebook page. An hour later, I checked back, and there were ten people offering to pray. Without the Millennial Generation and their zeal to connect, this would not have been possible.
I know…change may be difficult. But maybe it’s not all bad.
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